Wedding Balls

The day has finally arrived. And what a glorious one it is... the sun shining brightly, birds chirping, balls bouncing (someone get the man a cup, puhlease). The crowds are gathering, the chant rising. A sea of green & gold (not unlike the city's harbour) will fill the Opera House steps as Australia's darling soapie star Bec Cartwright & tennis ace Lleyton Hewitt step out for what has been billed the mixed doubles event of the year. You can feel the excitement in the air. Almost.

Picture it... Bec (aka Hayley) stepping out of her limo Toyota Harlot, then pirouetting her way across the Opera House forecourt and into the open arms of Lley-ley. A flash of their pearly whites to the indulgent crowd confirms we are indeed dancing with the stars today. A perfect 10 from the judges, surely? A quick shirt change from Hewitt reveals chest hair never before seen on the fiery grass maestro. "Just do it! Hewitt," reverberates around the enclosure as the moment of truth nears. Bec sashays off to her trailer for a last-minute make-up call. And no doubt a costume change.

As the minutes tick by the crowd are noticeably getting restless. The Fanatics, who follow Lleyton on tour around the world, now sitting atop the middle sail of Sydney's greatest landmark, unravel a banner. The inscription, one word that embodies what today is all about for this celeb love match... "C'mon!" And here she is. Miss Cartwright, 5 months pregnant with the couple's first child, literally bursting at the seams of her Alex Perry designer dress - "white hot with plenty of volume". While the couture may not last, there's no doubt the union will, the couple recently acquiring a $4.5 million house at Palm Beach that will double as an orphanage for Cambodian children.

The vows are exchanged and with a mighty fist-pump the man of the moment gets down on one knee (again?) and looks to be starting a lawnmower? Hmm... no Victa in sight. The crowd look somewhat bewildered. With that the bride and groom are launched into the air, jet-packs blazing as they shoot through the sky towards Taronga Zoo. Obviously a brief fly-over for the caged Cartwright family unable to attend today's ceremony. Next stop... Luna Park for the reception. Who'd have thought they'd find a bigger mouth in Sydney than Lleyton's!

Today, Sydney belongs to them. Right now, they are Australia's No. 1 celebrity couple. Shud. Der.